Moving on

April 3, 2009 at 4:22 am | Posted in life, Quit | 5 Comments
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I have increasingly been realizing that I have reached a new stage of my quit. I am not posting here as much and it has been days since I have been to the quit support site. I am have been setting down those crutches and am starting to walk or even run on my own.

I think I need to find a new direction to take this blog in. While the rest of my life will always be lived “beyond the haze”, I don’t need to live the rest of my life in the throes of the quit. It is time to transition into the life that staying quit is making it possible to live.

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Socks…now I have to care about socks?

March 22, 2009 at 3:40 am | Posted in 5K, life, Quit | 1 Comment
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The last time I ran wool was itchy and I used it for hiking as one part of 2 layers. Now apparently the wool has become smart and apparently not itchy. Go figure.

The sock choices are endless. There is Smartwool, injingi I think, Beluga or Belaga or Balega or well something and goodness knows what else. Socks even have arch support and provide compression.

The only constant I can find with real runners is that cotton is BAD. Hmmmm guess what I have been running in. yeah. So far I have suffered no ill effects but apparently I will be doomed if I continue.

Since the lowly sock has evolved from a mere foot covering that keeps a foot warm into a highly specialized specie, I am going to investigate my options in the morning. First though, I am going to take one more run in my lowly cotton socks before I assign them the status of endangered specie.

Next on my list to learn about for running is Body Glide which sounds like some sort of sexual lubricant to me.

The Cousin Eddie

March 8, 2009 at 6:27 am | Posted in life | 3 Comments
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So Dave and I decided that we should name Rai’s upcoming surgery. He came up with the Cousin Eddie from the various National Lampoon’s Vacations because of the plate in his head that ultimately had to be replaced. Shows how much I paid attention after the first movie since I only have a vague idea of what he is talking about though I know who Cousin Eddie is.

I came up with the Sucky Sixth since this will be Rai’s 6th surgery. I think I like Dave’s better because it adds a bit of twisted humor and my idea is simply, well, sucky and depressing.

After seeing the neurosurgeon this morning, we know for sure that Rai will be having surgery  this week to remove the plate on her head that is starting to come through her skin. Because she is on an antibiotic, along now with a prescription antibiotic ointment, it can wait unless things get worse. They will be calling us on Monday to schedule a CT scan and the surgery.

If things go as planned it should be an outpatient surgery depending on the CT scan. In the whole scheme of things, it is actually kind of minor. Major=taking out half a brain. Minor=not even going through the skull. Clearly these definitions are relative based on our experiences.

I would really appreciate if people would pray or send positive thoughts our way. Surgery is surgery and Rai will still have rough time. I am pretty sure she doesn’t agree with our definition of relative.

WTF? Are you kidding me?

March 7, 2009 at 3:53 am | Posted in life | Leave a comment
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I am so done right now.

On Thursday Rai’s teacher called me. As the day went on she was refusing to walk or bear weight on the casted leg. I round everyone up and took her in. They cut the cast off and it looks like they overstretched her. So they lessened the stretch and put a new one on. It seems to be working because she was walking today.

Last night after baths, Dave asked me to look at a spot on Rai’s head. She has some bumps on her skull where things didn’t heal prettily after all of her brain surgeries. This one does tend to get irritated easily. I put some neosporin on it and then put more on this morning.

When I picked her up from school today I checked it. It had puss in it and looked like an abscess. So we zoomed off to the pediatrician. They swabbed it for a culture and prescribed an antibiotic. The doctor didn’t clean it out though.

I cleaned it out tonight and found a HOLE. It looks like something shiny is coming through. I think it is a SCREW! I am not surprised that she has them but I am surprised to actually be seeing it. I call the pediatrician and she tells me to call the neurosurgeon.

After a lot of back and forth calls, the neurosurgeon has decided to see her at 11am tomorrow. Since it is open, they don’t want to wait until Monday but since she is already on antibiotics and feeling fine, they think we can wait until tomorrow.

I have a feeling that another surgery is in her future…

Another day goes by

February 23, 2009 at 4:04 am | Posted in Quit | 1 Comment
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Not much to report. It was a quiet day. Dave and I were exhausted since neither one of us slept well last night. We are still smoke free though so I guess we did manage to accomplish one thing today.

R.I.P Dubbies

February 22, 2009 at 5:56 am | Posted in life | 1 Comment
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Our cat passed away tonight. I don’t have the energy to get into details again. Suffice it to say that it has been a sad night. Our 4 year old is miserable as are we.

On the positive, Dave and I wanted to smoke so much tonight. That is apparently what you do when pets pass. But we didn’t. Tonight’s tragedy as least begat one victory.

Dubbies, I already miss you trying to step on my keyboard so I will pet you and I will miss stepping around the bedroom trying to miss you in the middle of the night. I just miss you and I am so sorry.

Rough couple of days

February 21, 2009 at 3:30 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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I simply didn’t have the energy to update yesterday. One of our cats ended up in emergency surgery. His urethra was blocked and he had a wicked bladder infection. Dave took him into the vet. They tried to cath him to open him but that didn’t work so into surgery he went.

He hardly seemed that uncomfortable being blocked. You would never have known by his behavior that this was a long standing infection based on what the vet sound. He is too stoic!

We lost another male cat to the same problem. He had two major surgeries, did all the special diets and still ended losing the battle. It was 4 years ago. I hate to say that yesterday I had major cravings waiting for the vet to call with updates. I was thinking back to the last time when I did smoke a lot to get through. This time though I am proud to say I simply paced the house like a crazed, caged animal.

He is home tonight and still in a lot of pain. We have him isolated in a room and he has to stay there for 5 days. We have a whole pharmacy we are supposed to give him twice a day. He is taking the meds now but I think that is only because he is too sore to put up much of a fight.

My 4 year old is overjoyed that ‘her’ cat is home. She is spending as much time as she can in the room just petting him and singing to him.

Today was just a busy day and kept us hopping. It would be nice if life would slow down but I somehow doubt that will ever happen.

I am strong enough today.

February 18, 2009 at 5:19 am | Posted in Quit | 4 Comments
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tree2

On the way home from dropping off the youngest two at preschool, I pulled off to drive through a county park to see if I should ever come back with my camera. Apparently to enter, you need a pass. They had an honor box to pay for a 14 day one. It was $5. I looked in my wallet and could only find $2. So I looked in a purse that has been sittting in my car for weeks. I didn’t find any money though.

I found cigarettes! I have no idea how long that pack had been in there but there were 3 left. Guessing from the last time I actually used that purse, I would say they were 3 very stale cigarettes. I wasn’t anywhere near a trashcan, I crushed the pack into an unsmokable little ball. I threw them out when I got home.

I was shaken at the time but as the day went on, I realized that I was fine. I didn’t really want to smoke them. For goodness sake, I can’t imagine smoking a fresh cigarette right now. I am not about to give up all of this hard work for a stale, crunchy one. Hell, I didn’t even like those when I was smoking.¬† The difference now is that I will not smoke them if there is nothing else available. In fact, I simply won’t smoke at all.

I went home to find more money and grabbed Dave(my husband). We went back and had fun goofing around with our cameras. I finally walked on a lake! I know it is normal here but growing up in Virginia, we were always told not to walk on the ice because it wasn’t thick enough. Up here in Minnesota, they drive on the ice. I looked like a nut. I was creeping very slowly sure that I was going to fall through at any moment. Meanwhile there are SUV’s further out on the lake parked next to ice fishing huts. Getting comfortable is clearly going to be a long process.

The tree is one of the pictures I took today. As usual there are a couple more on my photography blog.

As I sign off, I just want to point out that it has now officially been 1 full week since my last cigarette. So much as changed. It has been a hard week at times but a good week. I did it! I also did with my husband. We are taking charge of our lives and building a new future together. We can breathe, we can smell and we can taste. We are doing it.

PMS. sucks.

February 17, 2009 at 4:38 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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I finally figured out why suddenly yesterday my cravings got worse and my patience completely deteriorated. I looked at the calendar today and realized it was PMS. Of course, I had to look it up. Apparently if you quit near PMS, your success rate plummets. Women have a better chance at the beginning of their cycle.

Statistics schmatistics. Dave and I also should be divorced based on those. Apparently we are in the lucky 20% or so for our situation. I am not going to fall prey to these either.

I am actually feeling better about my increasingly bad attitude. I was worried that I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Now I know what I am handling, big deal. I handle being pure evil every month. That part of my life hasn’t changed.

I am so close to a full week that I can almost taste it. I guarantee that when I get there that it will so much tastier than anything was in my life a week ago.

Your brain on drugs..and your lungs.

February 15, 2009 at 6:28 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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Your lungs on drugs

Your lungs on drugs

I have long thought that your lungs after smoking resembled the snow by the sides of roads. This is a bit of dirty snow by our driveway. I snapped it because it reminded me why I am doing this.

Ok…dramatic imagery done, on to the insane.

Dear god…. the transition from the physical to the physiological withdrawal is rather INSANE! I have done all the research and you all know me well enough that I also read the studies. This day has been the hardest. Actually it has been the the night that is the worst. I have found the physiological to be far more intense and less controllable. My brain is apparently screaming for some dopamine.

We are now entering into the period where it rights itself. Great that means I am going to be a depressed bitch because my brain says so according to the studies. Then again it also tells my heart to beat so I might as well work with it to get through it. This part really is far worse because you are battling yourself chemically in your head.

Yeah…..I have gone insane.

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