Can’t catch me now!

March 18, 2009 at 2:30 am | Posted in 5K, Quit | Leave a comment
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I had my first running class tonight. We are training for a 5K. I RAN! I did it without coughing or gasping for air. Yeah…I am tired and a bit sore but in a good way.

I finally figured out what had been going on in my head. Someone on the quit site posted about having intense cravings more than two months in at the same time he was dealing with a personal situation. A few lightbulbs went off in my head. I realized that I was afraid at failing  another new thing… my class.

If I had given in and smoked, I would have been giving myself an excuse to fail at the running class. The closer the class came, the worse the cravings were. Once I figured it out, the cravings got better. I am happy to say that since I got though the first class that they are pretty much gone!

I can train for the 5K. If I have stayed smoke free this long which is something I didn’t believe in the past that I could do then I know I can be successful at this.

I am strong enough today.

February 18, 2009 at 5:19 am | Posted in Quit | 4 Comments
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tree2

On the way home from dropping off the youngest two at preschool, I pulled off to drive through a county park to see if I should ever come back with my camera. Apparently to enter, you need a pass. They had an honor box to pay for a 14 day one. It was $5. I looked in my wallet and could only find $2. So I looked in a purse that has been sittting in my car for weeks. I didn’t find any money though.

I found cigarettes! I have no idea how long that pack had been in there but there were 3 left. Guessing from the last time I actually used that purse, I would say they were 3 very stale cigarettes. I wasn’t anywhere near a trashcan, I crushed the pack into an unsmokable little ball. I threw them out when I got home.

I was shaken at the time but as the day went on, I realized that I was fine. I didn’t really want to smoke them. For goodness sake, I can’t imagine smoking a fresh cigarette right now. I am not about to give up all of this hard work for a stale, crunchy one. Hell, I didn’t even like those when I was smoking.  The difference now is that I will not smoke them if there is nothing else available. In fact, I simply won’t smoke at all.

I went home to find more money and grabbed Dave(my husband). We went back and had fun goofing around with our cameras. I finally walked on a lake! I know it is normal here but growing up in Virginia, we were always told not to walk on the ice because it wasn’t thick enough. Up here in Minnesota, they drive on the ice. I looked like a nut. I was creeping very slowly sure that I was going to fall through at any moment. Meanwhile there are SUV’s further out on the lake parked next to ice fishing huts. Getting comfortable is clearly going to be a long process.

The tree is one of the pictures I took today. As usual there are a couple more on my photography blog.

As I sign off, I just want to point out that it has now officially been 1 full week since my last cigarette. So much as changed. It has been a hard week at times but a good week. I did it! I also did with my husband. We are taking charge of our lives and building a new future together. We can breathe, we can smell and we can taste. We are doing it.

Smelling….good!

February 16, 2009 at 5:25 am | Posted in Quit | 5 Comments
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Can you smell me?

Can you smell me?

That flower looks like it is smelling me as much I was smelling it.

I am able to really smell again! That is a double edged sword at times because you can smell the bad smells just as well as the good. I took my youngest two to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. While we were there, we visited the greenhouse. It was an amazing sensory experience and I am so happy I am not missing out on the full experience anymore. I have more pictures of what we found in the greenhouse on my photography blog

It was an off and on day otherwise. After two nights of insomnia, I was rather run down today. My exhaustion seemed to bring on stronger cravings.  At one point, I left the kids with Dave because I couldn’t deal anymore. I drove around for a bit. I ended up going to McDonalds. I discovered, now that I can really taste, that I really don’t like Chicken McNuggets. Good news for my hips!

Day 5 is over and I am so very glad of it. I am one tired puppy.

Did I say beyond the haze?

February 14, 2009 at 3:30 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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I must have been talking about the literal haze because it sure has been a brain hazy day.

I had amazing vivid dreams last night and in everyone I was a confident non smoker. Why then did I wake up feeling like I had been hit by a train? I am assuming it was because the chemicals leaving my body where in their last death throes. I didn’t even want to smoke at the time. I would have thrown up. That was a nice change. I can think of very few occasions that I couldn’t find a way to smoke through before now. I think the norovirus was a notable one.

Took a shower and began doing things for myself.  I had my hair cut today and the woman gave me that most amazing head massage. Headache taken care of. I think I might need to pay her just to do that to me more often. Then I headed to Let’s Dish. I had signed up to prepare meals a few weeks ago.

After I arrived and settled in, the haze hit. I could hardly remember what I was supposed to be adding to a dish two seconds after I measured it. It was very frustrating.  I finally worked through it and hopefully all of the meals will taste OK. Luckily tonight’s was good so that gives me hope.

It was a roller coaster day but a good day. There were times that I even forgot about smoking and felt really good. Then I would nearly panic thinking how could I feel this good? Did I smoke and forget? N.O.P.E. I was getting glimpses of what my brain is capable of eventually achieving. It felt good.

This is still a long process and nowhere nearly done. I do feel as day 3 winds to a close that one corner was turned today.

Wow

February 13, 2009 at 4:27 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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As I near 48 hours, I am feeling  just strong enough yet very aware of how fragile I am. I am feeling empowered but not over confident.

At times today it was devastatingly hard but after putting 1 smoke free day behind me, I had experience to go on. It was no longer an unknown. I knew how bad it can be but I also knew that I handled it. So all in all, today was easier. Of course, my definition of easier is relative.

One moment, one crave, one breath at a time, I am doing this. Everyday I take a pledge for the day that I learned about at Quitplan.com and I repeat it when I need it. I just say N.O.P.E….Not One Puff Ever.

We made it

February 12, 2009 at 5:35 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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We made it one full day. It is an empowering thing. We can do it. On the other hand…. it was a tough day. There were times I would have happily thrown in the towel if I felt I could. But this isn’t that MMA stuff that Dave loves. This is a battle for our lives.

I have read that physical withdrawal symptoms peak around 48 hours which tells me that day 2 might suck even more. I can handle that. I learned more than ever what really triggers my cravings and I learned how to handle them. I most importantly found the help of some old friends and some new friends who have recently walked this path and found enough strength to make it.

It is ridiculous that a little filled cylinder can bring us to our knees but it does. I keep telling myself that I will not lose to it.

Contemplation

February 10, 2009 at 3:57 pm | Posted in Ready to quit | 3 Comments
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Since we set a quit date, every smoke feels like a betrayal, a dirty little secret. I wonder why we are waiting. We gave ourselves excuses to wait and to prepare. I have to believe it will pay off in the end.

The waiting has made us analyze when and why we smoke. I realized while watching House Hunters International last night that I even look at homes like a smoker. In one condo, there was a balcony. My first thought wasn’t about the view. It was about finding a place to smoke outside if I were the one looking at purchasing it.

This is clearly not going to be only about outlasting withdrawal but rather about changing an entire life perspective. I want the change, I am willing to embrace the change. I want to be able to read guide books about National Parks and say I can do those moderate hikes unlike now where they sound too challenging. To use an oft repeated cliche this year, Yes We Can.

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