Shoes….I hate them.

March 21, 2009 at 5:21 am | Posted in 5K, life | 2 Comments
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Running shoes are sooooo frickity frackin confusing. 20 years ago I went out and bought a pair of Asics and was happy. Now…there are neutral shoes, stability shoes, motion control and I don’t know what else. Oh and trail running, cross training and shoes to wear in case I need to run on broken glass I think.

What I do know is I have flat feet. Bare footed, I tend to over-pronate. In shoes, I am not sure I do. My favorite running shoes in the last few years have been neutral…not that I really ran in them though I did give some half-hearted attempts. I have recently tried some motion control and they hurt like hell. I am going to try some stability ones now. I do have orthotics but they also hurt like hell. Seriously, who lies down and have arches that are the exact same way when they stand. NOBODY! But yet that is how they cast you for orthotics. So I have wonder how things that fit me when I am lying down but pretty much turn me into a supinator when I stand really work. Combine those with motion control shoes and well, we have gone into overdrive.

The cool thing is that I can have these shoe conundrums because I can RUN! I can BREATHE! I ran 3 times this week. I had my day off today which clearly served to confuse me more about shoes. I am back on tomorrow. I think I have been bitten by the bug though. I am thinking beyond this race and bought the 2009 race book for Minnesota. The best race that I found so far has a beer stop halfway and another one at the end. Clearly I am not a true runner yet.

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Can’t catch me now!

March 18, 2009 at 2:30 am | Posted in 5K, Quit | Leave a comment
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I had my first running class tonight. We are training for a 5K. I RAN! I did it without coughing or gasping for air. Yeah…I am tired and a bit sore but in a good way.

I finally figured out what had been going on in my head. Someone on the quit site posted about having intense cravings more than two months in at the same time he was dealing with a personal situation. A few lightbulbs went off in my head. I realized that I was afraid at failing  another new thing… my class.

If I had given in and smoked, I would have been giving myself an excuse to fail at the running class. The closer the class came, the worse the cravings were. Once I figured it out, the cravings got better. I am happy to say that since I got though the first class that they are pretty much gone!

I can train for the 5K. If I have stayed smoke free this long which is something I didn’t believe in the past that I could do then I know I can be successful at this.

Angry

March 16, 2009 at 4:02 am | Posted in Quit | 1 Comment
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I am just an angry pain in the ass. I am not sure why. I guess it has something to do with the 5 stages of grief or some sort of psychological crap.

I got through all of the stress I have recently been through just fine. Now that things are relatively calm again, I just want to smoke. It is like being a newborn vampire. My lozenges are keeping me vegetarian.

I think I skipped a few stages of my quit because of all stress that we have been dealing with and got a bit over confident. It helps to know that Dave was in the same place a few days ago and he got through it. Right now, it just sucks.

I’m Gonna Be

March 1, 2009 at 5:49 am | Posted in Quit | 3 Comments
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This is Dave’s and my song. We walk all of our miles together, to each other and back again. We are still smoke free because of the strength of that bond.

Did I say that I wasn’t thinking about smoking?

February 25, 2009 at 4:22 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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I noticed tonight that when I am really tired, I have many more cravings. What was I doing, using the cold and smokes to keep me awake? Perhaps I should just learn to go to sleep like a normal person.

Busy

February 24, 2009 at 4:57 am | Posted in Quit | 3 Comments
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We were on the go today. Laura had a cold last week and during the weekend it it morphed into more. She has been running 101 degree fevers since Friday night, coughing and just plain gunky. So I took her in this morning after getting Rai on the bus and dropping Mira off at school. Laura may or may not have pneumonia again. Her CBC was fine but I guess there was something on the x-ray. She was precribed amoxicillan pending the radiologist’s reading.

We then rushed to my therapy appointment, then to Target to get her script filled and quick lunch, off the the post office and finally took a break at a book store. We spent a few minutes at home and had to go get Mira. We rushed home to beat Rai’s bus and finally were done for the day. Well sorta…we still had the rest of the evening routine but at least that was normal.

What is amazing about the day is how little I thought about smoking. I am reaching the point where I have been not smoking just long enough to go through a crazy day withough thinking about when I would have had a cigarette. I only realized it later when I thought about the day.

Rough couple of days

February 21, 2009 at 3:30 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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I simply didn’t have the energy to update yesterday. One of our cats ended up in emergency surgery. His urethra was blocked and he had a wicked bladder infection. Dave took him into the vet. They tried to cath him to open him but that didn’t work so into surgery he went.

He hardly seemed that uncomfortable being blocked. You would never have known by his behavior that this was a long standing infection based on what the vet sound. He is too stoic!

We lost another male cat to the same problem. He had two major surgeries, did all the special diets and still ended losing the battle. It was 4 years ago. I hate to say that yesterday I had major cravings waiting for the vet to call with updates. I was thinking back to the last time when I did smoke a lot to get through. This time though I am proud to say I simply paced the house like a crazed, caged animal.

He is home tonight and still in a lot of pain. We have him isolated in a room and he has to stay there for 5 days. We have a whole pharmacy we are supposed to give him twice a day. He is taking the meds now but I think that is only because he is too sore to put up much of a fight.

My 4 year old is overjoyed that ‘her’ cat is home. She is spending as much time as she can in the room just petting him and singing to him.

Today was just a busy day and kept us hopping. It would be nice if life would slow down but I somehow doubt that will ever happen.

I am strong enough today.

February 18, 2009 at 5:19 am | Posted in Quit | 4 Comments
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tree2

On the way home from dropping off the youngest two at preschool, I pulled off to drive through a county park to see if I should ever come back with my camera. Apparently to enter, you need a pass. They had an honor box to pay for a 14 day one. It was $5. I looked in my wallet and could only find $2. So I looked in a purse that has been sittting in my car for weeks. I didn’t find any money though.

I found cigarettes! I have no idea how long that pack had been in there but there were 3 left. Guessing from the last time I actually used that purse, I would say they were 3 very stale cigarettes. I wasn’t anywhere near a trashcan, I crushed the pack into an unsmokable little ball. I threw them out when I got home.

I was shaken at the time but as the day went on, I realized that I was fine. I didn’t really want to smoke them. For goodness sake, I can’t imagine smoking a fresh cigarette right now. I am not about to give up all of this hard work for a stale, crunchy one. Hell, I didn’t even like those when I was smoking.  The difference now is that I will not smoke them if there is nothing else available. In fact, I simply won’t smoke at all.

I went home to find more money and grabbed Dave(my husband). We went back and had fun goofing around with our cameras. I finally walked on a lake! I know it is normal here but growing up in Virginia, we were always told not to walk on the ice because it wasn’t thick enough. Up here in Minnesota, they drive on the ice. I looked like a nut. I was creeping very slowly sure that I was going to fall through at any moment. Meanwhile there are SUV’s further out on the lake parked next to ice fishing huts. Getting comfortable is clearly going to be a long process.

The tree is one of the pictures I took today. As usual there are a couple more on my photography blog.

As I sign off, I just want to point out that it has now officially been 1 full week since my last cigarette. So much as changed. It has been a hard week at times but a good week. I did it! I also did with my husband. We are taking charge of our lives and building a new future together. We can breathe, we can smell and we can taste. We are doing it.

Did I say beyond the haze?

February 14, 2009 at 3:30 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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I must have been talking about the literal haze because it sure has been a brain hazy day.

I had amazing vivid dreams last night and in everyone I was a confident non smoker. Why then did I wake up feeling like I had been hit by a train? I am assuming it was because the chemicals leaving my body where in their last death throes. I didn’t even want to smoke at the time. I would have thrown up. That was a nice change. I can think of very few occasions that I couldn’t find a way to smoke through before now. I think the norovirus was a notable one.

Took a shower and began doing things for myself.  I had my hair cut today and the woman gave me that most amazing head massage. Headache taken care of. I think I might need to pay her just to do that to me more often. Then I headed to Let’s Dish. I had signed up to prepare meals a few weeks ago.

After I arrived and settled in, the haze hit. I could hardly remember what I was supposed to be adding to a dish two seconds after I measured it. It was very frustrating.  I finally worked through it and hopefully all of the meals will taste OK. Luckily tonight’s was good so that gives me hope.

It was a roller coaster day but a good day. There were times that I even forgot about smoking and felt really good. Then I would nearly panic thinking how could I feel this good? Did I smoke and forget? N.O.P.E. I was getting glimpses of what my brain is capable of eventually achieving. It felt good.

This is still a long process and nowhere nearly done. I do feel as day 3 winds to a close that one corner was turned today.

Wow

February 13, 2009 at 4:27 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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As I near 48 hours, I am feeling  just strong enough yet very aware of how fragile I am. I am feeling empowered but not over confident.

At times today it was devastatingly hard but after putting 1 smoke free day behind me, I had experience to go on. It was no longer an unknown. I knew how bad it can be but I also knew that I handled it. So all in all, today was easier. Of course, my definition of easier is relative.

One moment, one crave, one breath at a time, I am doing this. Everyday I take a pledge for the day that I learned about at Quitplan.com and I repeat it when I need it. I just say N.O.P.E….Not One Puff Ever.

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