Shoes….I hate them.

March 21, 2009 at 5:21 am | Posted in 5K, life | 2 Comments
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Running shoes are sooooo frickity frackin confusing. 20 years ago I went out and bought a pair of Asics and was happy. Now…there are neutral shoes, stability shoes, motion control and I don’t know what else. Oh and trail running, cross training and shoes to wear in case I need to run on broken glass I think.

What I do know is I have flat feet. Bare footed, I tend to over-pronate. In shoes, I am not sure I do. My favorite running shoes in the last few years have been neutral…not that I really ran in them though I did give some half-hearted attempts. I have recently tried some motion control and they hurt like hell. I am going to try some stability ones now. I do have orthotics but they also hurt like hell. Seriously, who lies down and have arches that are the exact same way when they stand. NOBODY! But yet that is how they cast you for orthotics. So I have wonder how things that fit me when I am lying down but pretty much turn me into a supinator when I stand really work. Combine those with motion control shoes and well, we have gone into overdrive.

The cool thing is that I can have these shoe conundrums because I can RUN! I can BREATHE! I ran 3 times this week. I had my day off today which clearly served to confuse me more about shoes. I am back on tomorrow. I think I have been bitten by the bug though. I am thinking beyond this race and bought the 2009 race book for Minnesota. The best race that I found so far has a beer stop halfway and another one at the end. Clearly I am not a true runner yet.

Angry

March 16, 2009 at 4:02 am | Posted in Quit | 1 Comment
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I am just an angry pain in the ass. I am not sure why. I guess it has something to do with the 5 stages of grief or some sort of psychological crap.

I got through all of the stress I have recently been through just fine. Now that things are relatively calm again, I just want to smoke. It is like being a newborn vampire. My lozenges are keeping me vegetarian.

I think I skipped a few stages of my quit because of all stress that we have been dealing with and got a bit over confident. It helps to know that Dave was in the same place a few days ago and he got through it. Right now, it just sucks.

Poor kid

February 28, 2009 at 4:14 am | Posted in Quit | 4 Comments
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laurasick

I am so glad we don’t smoke anymore and for the record, we never smoked inside the house, in our cars or around our kids. This week my youngest had a cold develop into a severe cough and fever. It wasn’t pneumonia though when they first looked at the chest x-ray, they thought it was. The radiologist eventually ruled it out.

She has been through two different antibiotics and now has a nebulizer. She is finally bouncing back and has been fever free for 24 hours now. It is a relief. I am also happy that there is no way that either my husband or myself could have contributed to this at all. Even though we never smoked around her, I imagine the scents on us could be as irritating as a strong perfume is for me.

Another day goes by

February 23, 2009 at 4:04 am | Posted in Quit | 1 Comment
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Not much to report. It was a quiet day. Dave and I were exhausted since neither one of us slept well last night. We are still smoke free though so I guess we did manage to accomplish one thing today.

Rough couple of days

February 21, 2009 at 3:30 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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I simply didn’t have the energy to update yesterday. One of our cats ended up in emergency surgery. His urethra was blocked and he had a wicked bladder infection. Dave took him into the vet. They tried to cath him to open him but that didn’t work so into surgery he went.

He hardly seemed that uncomfortable being blocked. You would never have known by his behavior that this was a long standing infection based on what the vet sound. He is too stoic!

We lost another male cat to the same problem. He had two major surgeries, did all the special diets and still ended losing the battle. It was 4 years ago. I hate to say that yesterday I had major cravings waiting for the vet to call with updates. I was thinking back to the last time when I did smoke a lot to get through. This time though I am proud to say I simply paced the house like a crazed, caged animal.

He is home tonight and still in a lot of pain. We have him isolated in a room and he has to stay there for 5 days. We have a whole pharmacy we are supposed to give him twice a day. He is taking the meds now but I think that is only because he is too sore to put up much of a fight.

My 4 year old is overjoyed that ‘her’ cat is home. She is spending as much time as she can in the room just petting him and singing to him.

Today was just a busy day and kept us hopping. It would be nice if life would slow down but I somehow doubt that will ever happen.

I really have to stop

February 19, 2009 at 3:41 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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going to McDonalds! I keep trying what I thought were my old favorites. I just need to accept that I thought it was good food because my taste buds clearly were not working right when I was smoking. After I ate the Big Mac, I had a big craving. I wonder if I had always felt the need to smoke after one just to camoflage the taste??? No big deal. I can easily avoid it this trigger.

Otherwise it was a pretty boring day. We had snow last night so I went out and took a few pictures. I think I am transferring addictions. I have always taken a lot of pictures but recently if I don’t use my camera every day it just feels wrong. Oh well, this is one I know I can live with.

It is cold and windy tonight. It is nice to look out the window at the moving branches and be happy that I am no longer standing outside miserable anymore. My hands are finally warm.

PMS. sucks.

February 17, 2009 at 4:38 am | Posted in Quit | Leave a comment
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I finally figured out why suddenly yesterday my cravings got worse and my patience completely deteriorated. I looked at the calendar today and realized it was PMS. Of course, I had to look it up. Apparently if you quit near PMS, your success rate plummets. Women have a better chance at the beginning of their cycle.

Statistics schmatistics. Dave and I also should be divorced based on those. Apparently we are in the lucky 20% or so for our situation. I am not going to fall prey to these either.

I am actually feeling better about my increasingly bad attitude. I was worried that I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. Now I know what I am handling, big deal. I handle being pure evil every month. That part of my life hasn’t changed.

I am so close to a full week that I can almost taste it. I guarantee that when I get there that it will so much tastier than anything was in my life a week ago.

Smelling….good!

February 16, 2009 at 5:25 am | Posted in Quit | 5 Comments
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Can you smell me?

Can you smell me?

That flower looks like it is smelling me as much I was smelling it.

I am able to really smell again! That is a double edged sword at times because you can smell the bad smells just as well as the good. I took my youngest two to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. While we were there, we visited the greenhouse. It was an amazing sensory experience and I am so happy I am not missing out on the full experience anymore. I have more pictures of what we found in the greenhouse on my photography blog

It was an off and on day otherwise. After two nights of insomnia, I was rather run down today. My exhaustion seemed to bring on stronger cravings.  At one point, I left the kids with Dave because I couldn’t deal anymore. I drove around for a bit. I ended up going to McDonalds. I discovered, now that I can really taste, that I really don’t like Chicken McNuggets. Good news for my hips!

Day 5 is over and I am so very glad of it. I am one tired puppy.

Your brain on drugs..and your lungs.

February 15, 2009 at 6:28 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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Your lungs on drugs

Your lungs on drugs

I have long thought that your lungs after smoking resembled the snow by the sides of roads. This is a bit of dirty snow by our driveway. I snapped it because it reminded me why I am doing this.

Ok…dramatic imagery done, on to the insane.

Dear god…. the transition from the physical to the physiological withdrawal is rather INSANE! I have done all the research and you all know me well enough that I also read the studies. This day has been the hardest. Actually it has been the the night that is the worst. I have found the physiological to be far more intense and less controllable. My brain is apparently screaming for some dopamine.

We are now entering into the period where it rights itself. Great that means I am going to be a depressed bitch because my brain says so according to the studies. Then again it also tells my heart to beat so I might as well work with it to get through it. This part really is far worse because you are battling yourself chemically in your head.

Yeah…..I have gone insane.

Did I say beyond the haze?

February 14, 2009 at 3:30 am | Posted in Quit | 2 Comments
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I must have been talking about the literal haze because it sure has been a brain hazy day.

I had amazing vivid dreams last night and in everyone I was a confident non smoker. Why then did I wake up feeling like I had been hit by a train? I am assuming it was because the chemicals leaving my body where in their last death throes. I didn’t even want to smoke at the time. I would have thrown up. That was a nice change. I can think of very few occasions that I couldn’t find a way to smoke through before now. I think the norovirus was a notable one.

Took a shower and began doing things for myself.  I had my hair cut today and the woman gave me that most amazing head massage. Headache taken care of. I think I might need to pay her just to do that to me more often. Then I headed to Let’s Dish. I had signed up to prepare meals a few weeks ago.

After I arrived and settled in, the haze hit. I could hardly remember what I was supposed to be adding to a dish two seconds after I measured it. It was very frustrating.  I finally worked through it and hopefully all of the meals will taste OK. Luckily tonight’s was good so that gives me hope.

It was a roller coaster day but a good day. There were times that I even forgot about smoking and felt really good. Then I would nearly panic thinking how could I feel this good? Did I smoke and forget? N.O.P.E. I was getting glimpses of what my brain is capable of eventually achieving. It felt good.

This is still a long process and nowhere nearly done. I do feel as day 3 winds to a close that one corner was turned today.

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